


Depths

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 16:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 2000</p>
    </blockquote>





	Depths

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 2000

I've had a hell of a couple of weeks. Even if you forget about Buffy's birthday, which I'm not likely to do in this lifetime, things have denigrated to a hell I've not previously imagined.

I sat across from her, one of the children I've come to consider like my own, and watched her heart break. It's been hard from the beginning, knowing her feelings for him. It's been difficult not to just sit the idiot down and show him the beauty in front of his eyes. 

Can you imagine what it must be like to be loved so completely by her? 

Not that I spend my time wondering. I'm far too old for her, first of all. But I can see the depth of love in her soul. She is strong, loving, courageous, fierce, loyalshe is everything. And he is everything to her, even now when she has Oz. 

Xander was trying so hard to make me "get" what he was talking about. I was reminded of the old Monty Python skit. I kept waiting for him to say "nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?" but I was deliberately obtuse. Or perhaps it was just the fact that I still see him as a child and the thought of him having sex is rather disturbing. 

But Willow got it. And her whole world crumbled. 

I kept sending her glances, trying to catch her eye. I wanted her to know that someone was there for her. Someone who wouldn't judge. Someone who knew what it was like to be betrayed by the person you love. A harsh pain fills me as I think of Jenny. I've forgiven her, long ago now, but sometimes the tinges of betrayal remain. 

I suspect they will in this instance as well. 

I ask her about Mr. Trick and the Mayor, hoping that having something to do will get her mind off of the feeling in her heart. She offers to help, as I knew she would, and I nod. Buffy's concern for Faith is admirable, but I wish I had the luxury of shaking her and making her see the friend sitting at her side. She's hurting. She's on the verge of tears and, as Xander told me once, Willow tears are the saddest tears in the universe. I want to comfort her, take all the pain away. 

I can't. And for the third time in the past three years, I wish that Willow and Xander had never met us. I wish they'd never set foot in the library. When the Anointed One's henchmen kidnapped us, when Drusilla killed Kendra, and nowGods, I wish I could give these children back their innocence. 

She looks up at me and tries to smile. I smile back and nod. She can read me fairly well. I hope she can see what's in my heart. I hope she can see that I have a shoulder she can cry on. I hope she knows she's not alone. 

Buffy goes off to find Faith and Xander follows me to the library. I hope he knows what he's done. Something tells me that he does, that he regrets it. I hope so, for both their sakes. 

I look behind us and Willow is gone. I see the door to the ladies room swing shut and sigh. She's crying alone. She's crying because she's lonely. 

I think back to the time when I was ten and my father told me I was to be a Watcher. My dreams and fantasies of my future had fallen apart in that short instant - in that second of time where reality came crashing down. 

Willow's fantasies are in ashes around her feet right now. I look at the young man by my side and wonder if he knows what he's done. He meets my gaze and his eyes are far older than they should be. He quirks his mouth into a mockery of a smile. 

"Not too stupid, am I?" 

"Xander, you are capable of stupidities I hadn't even imagined." 

He hangs his head and sighs. "I know. And I inflict them all on the most wonderful girl in the world." 

"Yet she still loves you." 

"I know. I guess she's even stupider than I am, hmm?" 

* * *


End file.
